Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Sugar Craving; A wonderful eating disorder

Sugar, the sweet taste of wine streaming down from the valleys of heaven. Sugar, the space in a physical form filling the emptiness of my heart. The sweet rain falling down on my warm body washing it clean from all sorts of despair. Sugar, i crave for you badly. You are the only thing that keeps me happy, keeps me going. Sugar, i can't live without you.
I woke up so late. Checked the time in my phone, it was 2 in the day. Its been long that i haven't gotten up on a holiday to see a beautiful morning. But i miss mornings, i instead sleep only to find myself in a heavenly dream of sweet food. I have a kind of food disorder, i have immense sugar craving. I am sane enough, but i consume sugar way more than a normal human being. It makes me happy when i am in a state of great solitude and despair. I love the beautiful smell of sugar. I breathe in the smell, it wakes up my senses of pleasure. Without sugar, i am all empty, i am hungry. Without sugar i am like a homeless person begging for money so as to buy something to overcome my killing appetite with. Without sugar, i am like an Iraqi child begging the soldiers for water, while they bullying me throw the water over the sand to drink, and while my eyes turn glassy with the tears i try to hold.

I very much wanted to consume something sweet. As i assume, its been long since i haven't had anything sweet. As strange as it sounds, i feel a chamber inside of me all empty, with sugar it probably would feel contented. I went downstairs, i saw mom in the kitchen. I went to look for something to eat. I tried to talk to her about food, if i stayed quiet she would've gotten a moment to think of me waking up that late. She would've started lecturing me. But i dint give her a moment to think. I couldn't find a paratha to eat, as the fats were what i wanted to eat if there was nothing sweet around. Neither was there. Mom said she'd make one for me. I told her it would take time, as when i am hungry i want to eat right away. What i hate more than anything at the time of hunger is waiting. I wanted to tell her i expect to be fed as i am a member of the family too. She only cooks food for dad, even that cause of the fear of his anger or irritation. But i don't blame her, she is very old. She has lost a lot of energy. I expect us to cook. As i am very old now, still i think of myself as a young girl, because people don't consider me young. Thats because i am the last fourth daughter of my parents in the 8 children of theirs. I want to be treated older, but then i don't want to. I hate growing up. Growing up means facing the world, facing the dark realities of life. I've had phases in life recently and i have started to feel myself hatching the colourless wall into the outside world. I am not a girl anymore, i am a woman now, i keep telling myself. But i need time, some moments alone, till i realise its true. Ive had times in the past that i used to call as the worst days of my life. I now look at them and laugh at myself. In those times, i used to think of myself as the mature person around whom the world was revolving. But thats how everybody feels who are in control of their life. They think they are the heroes of their life, that the world only revolves around them. But if we try to look at the world through the sight of One God; Allah, then we all are equal. All of us are made of the cells that make up our body and our system. We all live, and we die, thats the biggest reality. We're not heroes with super powers, we're heroes with temporary powers hidden inside of us that we recognise very late, cause we all are lazy and stuck in the laps of our weaknesses. Weaknesses are our rivals. We're standing at one place making no progress because we lack that biggest quality that turns us into the people we were born to be. We lack confidence. We have our souls being eaten by worms of fears trying hard to break us into fifty pieces so we can finally sit down and give up struggling with our own minds.

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